I hate what I am now. but i wanna be a strong and independent joan again. nothing can ever knock me down...
I'm going to start a brand new life from today onwards. I wanna be a happier Joan. Forget all the past and move on with life. I don't wanna be trap by all the bad memories. I'm looking forward for good memories!
11:43
I'm quite vexed over the same thing over and over again. Good thing that I have a place (my blog) for me to vent my frustration out. I don't know how to say it out anyway...
Sigh... Just a message to the person but I know he doesn't read my blog so it's fine for me to say it.
"Actually, I already known the truth and what exactly happened. It's really a small problem and it means nothing to me. The only thing that matters the most to me is that you lied to me and still deny it till today. I'm just really wondering why you just don't wanna admit? Or is it I'm the one who is accusing you and doubting you all the while? I guess no. God gave me eyes and a brain to really think and visualise things clearly. I'm very certain of what I know though I don't have concrete evidence. God works in ways we cannot see. He is helping me, I know... but sigh, I really don't understand why you just refuse to admit that you lie. It is just a small matter and it totally means nothing to me if you just admit it. But now you keep denying, I will only feel that it is not just a small matter, it may be bigger than I thought it should be. Maybe there is more to it? Well, I'm probably thinking too much but it's because of you that's why I think so much."
But oh well, let nature takes its course. I don't really wanna bother so much.
15:39
Sigh...
11:12
It's really true. God never abandons me. He is always there for me. He will protect me from all the evil people who tries harms me. I'm a stupid girl to be honest. I believe everyone will agree with me this fact. I'm very guillable, I believe people too easily. I'm a person who doesn't have a lot of confidence in myself (not physically).
What do I mean by that? no confidence in myself. I remembered once my manager in my ex company challenged me about how many advertisers are there in the catering section. I'm very confident that there are only 30 plus. He said about 50, if I'm not wrong. But he is more confident than me, he just said, "I have been taking care of the catering industry for so long, I won't be wrong. " so I lost all my confidence. Actually there are 39 advertisers.
This is my problem and my weakness. As long as someone appears more confident than me, I will lose all my confidence. Wrong also can say Right, I always believe. Stupid things that sound stupid to people, you ask me to believe you, I also believe.
I have been hurt by people before. I have seen through a person's true colour before BUT I still have not change myself. I'm still that naive and guillible young girl who believes everyone is nice in this world. This is a weakness as well as a strength of myself.
I feel so helpless now... But I'm glad that God is always there to protect me from being hurt. He makes me open my eyes bigger but I always choose to disobey God. I always choose to listen to myself and not listen to him. I always think I'm right. Sigh.. I'm a disobedient daughter of God. I hope he forgives me when I see him in Heaven.
Alright, blog till here. I'm having serious hangover and I can't sleep.
10:59
Have this sentence "to be taken care of" ever scroll through my mind? Hoping one day someone will take care of me and I don't have to work so hard, so simply just be there to care for me?
I guess I will never expect to be taken care of. I've learnt to be totally independent since 14 years old, not to rely on anyone. While waiting for someone to take care of me, I might as well learn to take care of myself by myself. Sometimes the higher you expect, the higher disappointment you get. So, I really don't expect and never thought of being taken care of.
No matter how tired life can be, how stressful life can be, we all got to be independent. It's the 21st century, so guys and girls are equal. I wanna be a very strong and independent girl who can walk through all the obstacles in life. I believe from there, I will be a stronger girl than I am now. =)
And I know, I will never be alone. God will always be there for me. love love! Let me share with you something.
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."
The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
10:58
Fever about 2-3days together with cough and flu. After the fever subsided, you will have body aches and vomitting. my GOD!!!
Sigh.....I wanna recover really sooN!!! I kind of feel guilty passing the disease to the whole of Beavers. All the waitress there are sick because of me. LOL! and my poor sister is sick too.
Friends, please avoid contacting me till I recover. LOL!
16:11
Recently, I'm so vexed over something. Maybe I should not think too much but I can't help it sometimes. the feeling really sucks.
12:13
I'm physically and mentally tired. Stressed about work, money and relationship problems. Was it a wrong choice to go back to night life? But its just temporary what...
Sigh. I'm feeling really very very sick lately. I have all the disease you can ever think of. Fever, Flu and Cough. Sometimes I'm really wondered, maybe I caught the swine flu. I was sick since last tuesday. I went to see the doctor on Sunday Morning. My sickness only became worse instead of better.
Measured my temperature this morning. 38.2 degrees. I guess I'm still having the most horrendous fever. Seems like medicine the doctor give is not working on me. Sigh.....
Maybe I really caught the swine flu. I have almost all the symptoms of the disease. I have body aches too. So friends, please avoid me until I recover. If by the end of this week, I don't become at least better, I'm going to pay a visit to the hospital.
I really wish I can get back my healthy health. I promise I will take good care of it this time round. I will not overwork or make myself too tired. I will adjust my life back.. I will sleep more. No more sleeping for less than 5 hours. I will sleep at least 8 hours.
Shall end my entry with one of my favourite christian song...
God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.
By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today.
God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way
**when im down, im glad i still have god with me** amen
10:48
My Heart is Dead...
20:18